DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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