we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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