So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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