He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My dad just said "fuck circus"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
