My cat gives me a boner
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
