Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
