Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
