worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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