And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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