I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
