remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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