i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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