miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
