I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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