Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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