yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
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