Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
