I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
