the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
