She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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