It's like God shit irony all over that family
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
