MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
