he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
