you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
