God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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