Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
