You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
