She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize