Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
