Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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