You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
