My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
