The maid of honor just puked.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
