I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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