I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
