life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
