nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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