i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
