Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
