White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize