I can tuck mytits in my pants
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
