either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Life is so much better after having sex.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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