my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
