The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
