I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
