i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
