my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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