We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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