i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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