Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize