My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
