i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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