im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
