my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
FUCK WHALES
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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