You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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