The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
