Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
