You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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