Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
