god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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