I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
