How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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