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why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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